resurfacing

This is short, but that’s all it needs to be. I’ve decided I want to keep up with this blog thing. Like, seriously this time. Lots of accomplishments, life changes (big and small), new jobs, etc. so I want to record it! But I’m going to go running right now… 

PACT PACT PACT

As the title implies… I should be working on PACT right now. I have purchased a fresh clean notebook, scheduled the next few days to figure out what I need to do when to get this thing done (well) (on time) (without too much stress)… and my fear is coming true. I can schedule and plan like it’s no big deal, but when it comes to sticking to those plans, it’s a leeeeettle more difficult. I know they say “if you think you’ll fail, you will”… and I don’t think I’m going to fail all of PACT. Just this whole planning and finishing bit. Time management. Bleh. Never my strong suit. I’m watching My Strange Addiction, reading fitness blogs, researching Bikram yoga in preparation to start it after PACT, and eating Tic-Tacs. Yes, really. Hence the blog post… and still My Strange Addiction. At least this is a little productive. I’ve been wanting to blog for suuuuch a long time, and I know my homework is more important, but maybe this is a good outlet too… at least it’s better than browsing Instagram while Corgi-flopped onto my bed, right?

Anyway, back to Bikram. Kind of. On St. Patrick’s Day (March 17) I ran a half-marathon in Sacramento. Yay! Well, I ran the first six miles, then ran-jogged-walked the other 7.1. My final time was something like 2:58… just under three hours, I made sure! It was interesting because I hadn’t really trained… at all. (Just realized I’m using a lot of ellipses in this post. Sorry! Moving on.) Then again, I’ve never really trained much for any of my three half marathons. I wonder how I would do in a half if I were to ever actually, you know, train. Someday maybe. I didn’t enjoy  not training. At the beginning of the semester, I even tried going to a lot of the group fitness classes at school. That lasted… maybe three weeks? It felt like a long time, but considering semesters are, what, 16 weeks long?… Meh. It’s frustrating because I know I could do a lot better and be a lot more disciplined, but at the same time, this is my teaching credential program and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize doing well. I know exercise is good for you and can help you think faster/clearer, sleep better, and have more energy. It just doesn’t seem to be happening much lately. And for the first time in my life, I’m feeling it. In high school, I was always active, and though I didn’t do much my first two years of college save for an occasional run and a swimming PE class, I did all sorts of IM sports, PE classes, and even swim club when I went away to college. I miss it like crazy– it never even felt like I was working out because it was so fun! Not to mention the UCD gym was soo nice and pretty. I wish I’d taken advantage of it 1239085 times more than I did (aka pretty much never) now that I don’t have access to it anymore! Lately I’ve just felt so BLAH. Bloated, sluggish, lazy, unhealthy… pretty much everything except thin, toned, and healthyish like I’m used to. Emphasis on the ish– my food habits need some serious help! I think that might be the only thing (aside from those awesome genetics) saving me here; knowing I don’t really have time to work out, I’ve been trying to eat a little better. But it’s kind of one step forward, two steps back. Or at least one forward and one back. One day I’m eating brown rice, sauteed shrimp, and brussels sprouts… the next I’m going for a cheese danish, pizza (twice in a day), chips, and beer. Yes, ew, unfortunately that is a real example.

In college I had this mirror– I think it was one of those $5 ones from Target– that makes you look really skinny. It stretches you out and is pretty good for your self esteem 😉 That is, until you start comparing yourself to pictures you took in it. Whoops. Anyway, computer dying and I’m just blabbering on and on anyway. More later! Wish me luck on PACT. 😛

flossing epiphanies

Okay, not really an epiphany of any sort, more of just a reassuring realization…

Tonight while I was flossing(!) my teeth I was thinking about my day, the staff meeting at school, how well my lesson went yesterday, how I was actually awake pretty much all day today, planning for my lesson and observation next week, etc. Every time I see other staff members at lunch or at meetings they ask me how kindergarten is going. I assume this is partly just to be nice/make conversation because they don’t know what else to ask me, but some of them do know me better and still ask, which I assume is because they actually want to know. My response is usually something like “It’s fun!… different… definitely different.” Today during writer’s workshop I had a moment where I could tell I was rapidly losing patience– not necessarily with a child, or the activity, or the grade, but just with the circumstances. I was trying to help a student write something about a snack she ate in her story, but in kindergarten, that’s not such a simple thing. I’m getting a little tired of enunciating e-v-e-r-y s-ou-n-d in a w-w-woooord, what do you think ‘word’ starts with?!…

So then comes this realization while flossing. Do I love kindergarten? No. But I don’t dislike it either. And if I had to, I could teach it, I think. A whole class. A whole year. Well, with this class, at least… they’re good. I feel so much better when I’m actually teaching than sitting back and observing.

I’m really excited to go back to my third and fourth graders, though 🙂

making vs. keeping

Well, well, well. Yesterday I re-read my post after publishing it (and caught a few typos along the way), and realized it was preeeetty long. A lot longer than I’d intended, actually. I considered re-writing and condensing it, but for the sake of time I didn’t. And the boy came over, so, you know, priorities. Anyway, after all my accidentally-big talk yesterday about all these goals I’m setting and plans I’m making, especially the being on time and school stuff (aka things applicable immediately), I went to bed with my bag and lunch semi-packed and alarm set for 5:55, 6, and 6:10 am to wake up– not to mention 6:50 and 7 to leave. I promptly fall asleep under my handmade gifted fleece owl blanket, and proceed to dream about who knows what. I wake up to the boy’s alarm. First thought: turn that alarm off, it’s loud! Second thought: That’s odd that his alarm is going off before mine. Third thOH MY GOSH IT’S 7:45 I SHOULD BE AT SCHOOL ALREADY WHERE IS MY ALARM PHONE HAIR MAKEUP BREAKFAST COFFEE LESSON PLANS THIRD GRADE HOMEWORK KEY BUT FIELD TRIP WAIT WHAT KEYS ROOMMATE WHERE WHEN WHAT!

Yeah.

I somehow managed to get out the door at 8, but traffic is a lot worse at 8 than it is at 7, so I didn’t get to school until 8:30 (aka 20 minutes after it starts). It was really, really discouraging to start off the semester by being significantly late to my alternate student teaching placement– especially since I’ve been late before. My boyfriend kept trying to stop me from beating myself up over it, saying “there’s always next time to get it right” and “there’s nothing to do about it now except get there soon,” but I still felt absolutely terrible. There shouldn’t be a next time to get it right, because this was the “next time” I was supposed to get it right! What’s the point of all the grief and anger and self-deprication I felt last time I was late if it didn’t stop me from being late this time? On one hand, it wasn’t my fault that my phone died… it had enough battery last night that it should have lasted all night, but for some reason didn’t. But, on the other hand, it was my fault, because I should have thought more carefully about the battery and charging it, or set an alternate alarm, or something.

Tonight, I still have some lesson planning to do for my first kindergarten observation tomorrow, so the 8-hours-of-sleep goal won’t be happening today– boo. But I’m trying to learn from my mistakes: my phone is currently plugged in to charge, I talked to the early-rising-always-on-time roommate about my predicament, and have a Post-It on my bedroom door that says “if no signs of life by 6:45, make loud noises.” Yes, really. There is no way I’m running late tomorrow! But I’m afraid to say that and jinx it. 😉

After all that this morning, I stayed after school to get some planning on my lesson done. I didn’t end up leaving school until about 4:40, then realized the college gym closes at 5 since it’s still their winter break. If you’ve driven during commute traffic in the south bay before, you know there’s no way to drive from central Santa Clara to downtown San Jose in 20 minutes, much less change clothes and run. So I got home and put on comfy clothes, chatted with the roommate, and logged onto Pinterest for some good old-fashioned time-wasting before working on the lesson plans. I stumbled upon this blog and read the girl’s story, and something about it just kind of made me realize that I really am not going to be in any sort of shape for a half marathon or summer or whatever if I just think about running all the time and get deterred from doing it by a closing time at a gym. It was dark and cold outside, but I logged onto the website of the gym down the street, signed up for a free 7-day trial, and twenty minutes later was running on their treadmill (at an incline of 2-3!) fo’ free. I don’t think it’s dishonest if I have no intention of starting a membership there… is it? 😛 Anyway, it was a nice way to fit in some running time tonight despite the change in plans. For the record: ran one mile and walked .7 more at a 2-3 incline in about 20 minutes. Came home, made the peanut-butter-banana-spinach smoothie I’ve been thinking about, showered, watched a movie with roomies while occasionally typing things on lesson plan, now munching on rice cakes (and trying to drink more water) and finishing this bad boy up. I still have a chart to do, and I’m SOOOOO tempted to leave it until tomorrow morning…….. uh oh. Here we go again. This meeting goals/keeping resolutions thing takes work!

it’s 2013

…and that means new year’s resolutions! Except I always think “New Year’s Resolutions” sounds pretty… kitschy. I’m all for goals/aspirations/intentions/whatever you want to call them, but I don’t really know what I want to call them. Goals, Rules, Aspirations, Intentions for Living… GRAIL? Bahaha. Okay, but really, despite whatever silly name they have, there are some things I definitely want to try to do more often and more regularly. And I plan on starting them now last week. Which happens to be the beginning of 2013.

Without further ado.

Fitness

• Already signed up for the Shamrock’n Half Marathon in Sacramento on March 17! It’ll be 13.1 miles through the capitol (capital? I can never remember, shame on me) city, across the yellow Tower Bridge, through Old Town (I think) and some parks, culminating with a run across Raley Field and followed by free beer, a tech tee, and a finishers’ medal (technically my first since NWM gives out Tiffany’s necklace– tough life, I know). I was looking at signing up for the Kaiser 1/2 in SF in February, but decided I didn’t have enough time to get training and it wouldn’t be worth it to me to walk all those hills. So, this probably goes without saying, but my main fitness goal right now is to train for this race! I want to walk as little of it as possible, and hopefully beat my 2:47 time, which should be possible considering Sac is a whole lot flatter than SF. I also want to look good in the race pictures! I know it’s silly, but I always look disoriented/upset/flabby/ghostly white in pictures, and I’d rather not. :p
• To train, I’m planning on running at least three days a week. I’ll sign up for the group fitness classes at the school gym, too. Hopefully I’ll be able to work out at least 5 days a week?…
• I also have my eye on some female-athlete-specific headphones that are supposed to comfortably stay in your ears while running, but they’re $30– not exactly an impulse buy, especially for someone who hates wearing earphones (even though I like listening to music while I treadmill). Maybe I’ll do another for-every-mile-I-run thing for those… we’ll see.
• Oh, and speaking of the treadmill– I recently read that one of the reasons treadmilling is bad for running form is because when you’re on it, you’re just picking up your feet and putting them back down again while the ground moves under you, which leaves the muscles in the back of your legs that usually propel you forward unworked. I’d never really thought of that, but it totally makes sense and explains why running on the treadmill seems so much easier. So now when I run on the treadmill, I want to make sure I have a small incline to counteract this lazy-legs phenomenon! I think the article said 1.0 was good.
• Plan workouts when I do my meal planning for the week by looking at the group fitness schedule and throwing in runs when it won’t work. Check the schedule and pack my super cute carry-all gym bag accordingly the night before. This includes shoes, socks, shorts, pants/capris, sports bra, tank/shirt, jacket, extra hair tie, headband, and headphones if I get those snazzy ones.

Food

• I definitely need to get back into meal planning more. I did it for this week, and it was actually pretty easy! Spaghetti, reheat spaghetti, chicken and edamame and rice, sandwiches… I’m trying the sandwich thing out. I never seem to use enough of the ingredients (I’m talking to you, turkey) before they go bad. Frozen bread is not very good, and as far as I know, grocery stores don’t sell bread in 8-slice bags. Although they should.
• I also want to remember to pack my lunches the night before, as much as possible– obviously I’m not going to make a sandwich and let it sit for eight five hours while I sleep, but everything else (pretzels, containers of hummus or pb, banana, tea bags) can go into Mr. Frog ahead of time 🙂 then perhaps a post-it or note on the whiteboard to remind myself of what else I need to throw in in the morning.
• I’m trying to drink less coffee and more tea. I tried it during my three weeks of kindergarten before winter break, which was a terribly timed mistake. Coffee in the morning is just going to have to happen, even if just a little bit. A teacher at school today suggested using two tea bags, one green/black for caffeine and one herbal for flavor, which I might start trying. That woman is a tea wizard, I tell you. She always has some and it always smells good.
• I want to start making little oatmeal bags for myself to take to school and eat in the morning once I’m there (I doubt it would work well in the car). After seeing what’s in the Starbucks ones, it doesn’t seem that hard– throw some quick oats, dried cranberries, raisins, almonds, cinnamon, brown sugar, etc. in a baggie, bring the baggie and a spoon in a ceramic bowl to school, and use their hot water! I’m sure there are other even-healthier things that can be put into oatmeal too… I just need to investigate them. These cold, sunny, windshield-frosted-over mornings are the perfect experimenting weather!
• Also, more smoothies. Namely this one. I’ve been craving a peanut butter banana smoothie ever since I got a super-stuffed-up nose and sore throat in Portland, and have yet to make this again, but it’s good. And it doesn’t taste like spinach at all. Win-win. I have a bag of frozen berries from Trader Joe’s that I want to start using, too. Protein powder might be a good next step for that?… but first things first. I do have a Magic Bullet now, so I should probably figure it out.
• I organized my cabinet space! I now have separate box/caddy/container things for all my spices, baking ingredients, teas and coffee, pasta/rice/orzo, and opened bags of munchies. All that’s really left is granola, peanut butter and Nutella! It’s quite nice and I’d quite like to keep it that way.
• Drink more water!!! At least two bottles (NWM/SJSU Nalgene) a day. Even if it means I’m peeing all the time. Also, drink less soda. Half a baby bottle at lunch a few times a week maybe.
• Eat less candy/junk food. No one needs all that. I’m skinnyish already but candy is not going to make that bikini look good come summer… and muscles can’t be built in a month.
• No. Fast. Food. If I’m hungry and on the road and don’t have anything to eat, my fault for not packing something. (On this note: pack snacks!) The fast food is never worth the money (even though it seems cheap, it adds up) or the stomach pain afterward. Remember all the stale buns, weird un-chewy pieces of chicken, soggy fries, unbalanced sauce distribution, etc.? I still haven’t decided if emergency I-completely-forgot-my-lunch Taco Bell trips are allowed when I’m at work… and what exactly counts as fast food. Boyfriend says it depends on the reason and the circumstances. Interesting theory I’m going to have to pick his brain on some more.

Academics (Classes, Student Teaching, credentialing)

• I’m terrified about this semester. I really am. I love love love my students and most everything I’ve gotten to experience as a teacher so far, but it’s rather overwhelming to think of all that I’m going to have to do all on my own, starting about half a year from now. I guess that’s why it’s important to make friends/develop a support network at your school! I know it’s possible– obviously, there are lots of great teachers and lots of mediocre-but-passable ones too– but I’m a perfectionist and all that. In the meantime…
• SJSU classes: Do homework and readings much earlier. Start the day assigned, if possible. Do not start the day (night) before it’s due. Not allowed at all: day-of work (or, like we said in college, “due tomorrow? do tomorrow.” no more of that!). Way too stressful! Also, write dates from syllabi into planner immediately (not three weeks later). Keep class materials organized in a binder or two with labeled tabs.
• In planner: Section days into “today,” “to do,” and “work/workout.” Today section includes what’s going on that day (student teach, class times, special lessons, due dates, meetings). To do section includes what I need to do before, between, and after those events (errands, homework, planning, etc.). This means plan out ahead of time what work will be done when– right down to reading page numbers and steps of paper-writing, if necessary! Work/workout section includes what group fitness class I’ll be attending and what time it’s at, or when in the day I’ll go running (i.e. “6:45 Zumba” or “run in am”), and/or what time I have work.
• Student teaching: Go above and beyond but don’t worry myself sick over it. I’m still working on the specifics of how that one will work. 😛 Be conscious of how I use time, both in planning and when delivering lessons. Prepare lesson plans and materials ahead of time so I’m not stressed about it and have more time/brainpower to think outside the box and present creative, fresh, useful activities and ideas. Basically, do everything I can to appear on top of things, because then I actually will be on top of things. Fake it ’til you make it and all that. I hope none of my students’ parents are reading this. Heh. (Thanks for the Christmas presents, though!!) Keep materials organized in a binder or two.
• Credentialing: I honestly have no idea what to expect in preparing/doing the PACT, RICA, solo weeks, and all those fun things that lay before me. And honestly, right now I am trying my darndest not to think of them because it’ll stress me out because I know now is not the time to find answers or worry about them. So for right now… the goal here is just staying calm, being patient, and preparing everything else in my life so this comes naturally. As far as applying for jobs, I need to rewrite my resume and upload it, but I won’t start seriously looking for jobs and getting letters until March or so, unless I hear advice otherwise.

Home Stuff, Art, Work (the other job), Life…

• Keep my room clean. This means bed made, clothes folded/hung up, laundry done when it needs to be instead of stuffed into the bin and overflowing, no junk on the chair, minimal clutter on the vanity table and dresser, and semi-ongoing review of clothes (“do I really wear this?,” conscious replacement of old items with new, etc.).
• Keep Excalibur clean. That means the cupholders are not trash cans, coffee cups are not decorations and extra jackets and shoes go back into the closet, not the trunk. Oh, and check the oil.
• Do more art stuff. I have a Michael’s gift card I should use.
• Make note of productive, helpful Pinterest ideas that can actually be done. Then do them.
• Back up my computer to my external hard drive more often so I can upload pictures from my camera and phone so I can actually use them and enjoy them.
• Take more pictures with the nice camera.
• Sell or fix the bikes.
• Get jeans hemmed.
• Work when possible, but be timely and honest about when I can’t by changing availability, requesting times off to work on homework, or getting shifts covered. Try to explain but not over-explain. Be positive and a good coworker to have around.
• Find photos I’m proud of and get big prints to hang on the wall.
• Get a gray or white comforter and start moving towards gray/white/yellow/blue? even if it doesn’t totally match the chair.
• Be intentional about time spent with family. Go home and enjoy it. 🙂
• Text family and friends more, even if just to say hi. Even if it’s awkward or a bit inconvenient. Hang out with people when I get the chance. Make new friends, too.
• Give Soccerbear lots of backrubs. He deserves it.
• Order contacts and medicine before I’m on the last day of them.
• Use reusable shopping bags.
• Get enough sleep. Preferably 8 hours (10p-6a), but at least 6 (12a-6a). Anything less is begging for disaster and you know it.
• Wake up, get up, and leave on time. Excuses shouldn’t be a thing.
• Say thank you. Ask questions. Ask for help. Give compliments.
• Try more recipes. Use the crock pot. Bake new things. Bake old things. Share.
• Blog more. It’s a good outlet as well as a place to reflect on my teaching and gives me to a way to organize my thoughts without scattering them across a notebook, journaly thing, planner, and phone notes.

goooooal!

A few weeks (months?) ago I was in the SJSU bookstore and saw a waterbottle I really wanted. To make a long story short, I knew it would be useful to replace my other ones, but that I shouldn’t just go buy another waterbottle, so I set a goal: it cost $16, and I’d have to run 16 miles before I could buy it. This helped me train for the Nike Women’s Half Marathon, and it was really fun to log the miles on my Nike+ app or from the treadmill. In short, it worked! But after the half marathon and the waterbottle were mine, I found myself in kind of a motivational rut. I’ve been going to the gym again, but… still. I signed up for the Turkey Trot 10k in my hometown, and my mom paid for it (yay!), but there are still a few races and fun things I have my eye on.

1. The Kaiser Half Marathon in SF (Feb. 2013)- and it’s only $55, unlike NWM!

2. Lululemon headband– because $12 is a lot cheaper than their yoga pants or jackets! The only question is… black, white, or blue? I love pink, but not on my face when I’m working out… can’t be too matchy 😉

3. Blue or black running shoes- but not all black because that drives me nuts. Bright shoes are so fun! I love my electric coral ones because they’re super bright, supportive, and comfy. I think they’ve become my main workout shoes!

…and more. I’m finalizing my Christmas list to send to my family, since they always ask for it super early.

I think I’d also like to set a goal or two for my classes and student teaching, but I’m not sure what. It seems weird to say “for every time I don’t sound stupid in front of the kids, I get [blank]”! Maybe something like “If I get my work done for the week by 4:00 on Sunday, I can go do something fun (after yoga),” or… who knows. I bet boyfriend will have some good ideas; I’ll ask him when he comes back from his trip. I’m trying to think of what I would do with my students. A marble for every time you’re on time? Except those are things you’re supposed to do, not extra… this is getting too complicated for me right now. 😛

hello, good evening, and welcome.

In my head, that’s Jim Carrey saying that, in a creepy-but-hilarious way. I couldn’t find the video for it, though, so here’s an equally funny clip of him talking about Canada.

Anyway, today’s post is kind of boring: I’m just going to post my meal and fitness plan for the week. (See? Told you. Boring.) I think it’ll keep me accountable, or at least more so– or at the very least, it’ll be online somewhere if I lose the paper copy. 🙂

 

I may be turning into a rat…

…a gym rat, that is. Which, as far as I’m concerned, is not a bad thing. Last Sunday I went to the gym and parked myself on the elliptical– the best place to see the gym TV and get a workout in while watching the first three innings of the World Series game! (The Giants ended up winning! Hooray! But I hope you knew that already. 😉 ) It was my first time back to working out since the half marathon (Oct. 14), and I was a little nervous about how my body would feel or if I’d still enjoy it, but I mean… baseball game with my favorite team? Good way to ease back into it. Monday was a(NOTHER) furlough day, which means a nice day off, so I went back and did a little more elliptical… not the most interesting or challenging, but hey, it’s doing something. The days from the weekend all kind of blur together, since I was lesson planning and homework grading all day erryday, but Monday night another student teacher and I went to a cute coffee shop (for 4 hours!) and got some work done, which was fun. Or as fun as that can be, I suppose. Tuesday after school I made it to the zumba class, except the zumba instructor wasn’t there so some other instructor led what’s called ujam. I’m actually really glad that happened like it did, because I found out ujam is basically zumba… maybe a little less aerobic/sweaty, but the same principle (cardio fitness via fun dance workout). I don’t think I would have tried ujam otherwise, since the description is kind of weird, but now I know! Wednesday after school I went to the bodypump class, and told the instructor it was my first time (even though it was technically my second– I went once or twice in the summer– I didn’t remember anything). He introduced himself, helped me get set up, asked what I was doing that night for Halloween (grading papers!), and congratulated me on a) trying it and b) being at the gym after dark on Halloween. There were only five or six people in the class that night, which made it kind of neat. We got to pick each song from a choice of three for each area of the body (i.e. “next are shoulders… song 1, 2, or 3?”) and he gave us more specific feedback than would be possible with a class of 30. I just used 2.5 and 5 pound weights on my bar, but I’m definitely sore today! I guess that means I got the technique right, at least 🙂 Today I left my classroom management lecture 5 minutes early (sorry, Professor!) to make it to ujam again. I still don’t like it as much as zumba, but today I knew I needed to clear my head with a workout and that I wouldn’t be motivated to do much without someone yelling over music to tell me what to do! Haha. It was okay. I registered for my hometown’s Turkey Trot last night, too. I did the 5k last year with my siblings (dressed up), but this year I’m doing the 10k… so I suppose I should dust off that half marathon training gear and get going on that to make sure none of my high school friends leave me in the dust! I’m off to take a shower… or perhaps just sleep. I’m either going to run while I get my car’s oil changed, or do the morning yoga. Hooray for no class tomorrow!

from voicemails to videotapes

When I was a kid my mom would always let me record the message machine greeting for our home phone. I loved doing it, but was never a big fan of hearing my voice played back to me– I’m not sure how much the machine distorted it, but to me, it never sounded like how I heard myself. They say it’s a little different because you hear your voice through the vibrations of your own head (skull, muscle, etc.), and I suppose it’s also different because when you’re talking you’re more focused on what you’re saying than listening to yourself, but… still. It’s always weird to me to hear my own voice.

Enter: huge credential program assignment, the coaching cycle. In said coaching cycle I am required to plan and write out a lesson (which apparently is in a certain subject, which I didn’t find out until after I planned it, but that’s another story I’ve already complained about enough), do some paperwork like conversation logs and note sheets with my FA while planning, complete all sorts of rationale writeups and language demands matrices for various ELL leveled students… oh, and videotape my entire lesson. And turn it in. After watching it. Not once, not twice, but three times. (And I get to do five of these in spring. I’m trying not to think about that right now!)

So anyway, I did my lesson yesterday. My FA videotaped me on the little digital camera I got in high school, my supervisor came to observe me, and two other faculty were in the room observing her observing me. They smiled at me a lot so I didn’t mind having them around 😉 Then last night it was time for me to do the reflection, which meant…. watching my video! It actually wasn’t as painful/awkward/excruciating/embarrassing/etc. as I expected, which was nice. Maybe the fact that I only watched it on the camera’s little screen (and fast forwarded through some of the parts that I already had enough written about) helped. I filled out my reflection sheet– what worked well? for who? why?, what didn’t work well? for who? why?, what would you change if you were to do it again?, how will you use this to benefit your own professional development?, and so on. In a way I kind of felt like I was bs’ing the form, because a lot of it seemed like things I wrote in my rationale before the lesson– “I’ll do this to help this student,” and stuff. I guess that means I did it right, though. Who knows.

The real kicker is today’s lesson(s). They weren’t anything big or exciting, and were all planned last night since every spare moment before the coaching cycle was dedicated to planning that. I thought I had everything well-prepared and planned out, but here’s my issue– it gets me almost every lesson: time. I almost alllllways go over time on lessons! I feel bad because my FA then has to adjust the class schedule to finish the activity at a later time or push something back (or eliminate it altogether, like computer lab) to get the day to work. I know it’s important to repeat information for the students, but maybe I repeat it too much? I’ve started asking more questions, so it’s more interactive and less of me just talking at the kids which makes it seem to drag on, but… still. So. Long.

I’m hungry. May finish this later.

expectations

When we interviewed for/were accepted to/started the program, they all warned us: “it’s intense.” Looking back now, college was pretty easy and undemanding. Summer classes were simple without anything else to complicate them: wake up, go to class, do homework, hang out, go to bed, repeat. I would love to have that simplicity back again– maybe I’d appreciate it this time! Because now, halfway into the semester (well, a little past halfway now at 9 weeks– yay), I’m starting to really see what they meant when they warned it’d be intense. Social life? I don’t have one of those anymore. Boyfriend time? Thankfully still existent, but I’m not as awake as I used to/would like to be. Roommate time? Pretty much nonexistent. Family time? Happens, but with caveats (“I haaaave to leave by 7 to do homework!,” etc.). Laundry, keeping my room clean, and cooking? You can pretty much forget it. I’m thankful I don’t have to work to support myself, but sustaining myself in a semi-healthy way with food is pretty hard when the budget is shared with gas and any potential fun stuff (little of that these days).

The first eight weeks of this fall semester, when people would ask how grad school was going, my response was usually something like “classes are hard, but I love student teaching.” Which is totally true. Sometimes it was a little more optimistic, sometimes a little more on the complaining/ranting/”woe is me”/”my schoolwork is so hard and I think I’m the worst student there and maybe I even have a learning disorder because it definitely feels like it” side of things. But then it got– dare I say it– worse. I was able to separate my classes (which I felt waaay behind in) and my student teaching (which, while exhausting, was super fun and I felt kind of competent at, despite sleepy mornings) for awhile, but then my FA (at the risk of overusing parentheses, FA = faculty associate = elementary school teacher whose classroom I am in almost all year) started asking me about assignments from my classes. Like what I needed to do, what I needed from him/the students, when it was due by, etc. And I didn’t always know. That, my friends, is embarrassing. Sometimes I’d make excuses and sometimes I’d be completely honest and a lot of the time it was a combination of the two because that’s what it was. I didn’t know because I wasn’t paying close enough attention because why would I when we don’t talk about anything relevant for the other 2.75 hours of the class and the least the teacher could do would be to provide a bullet point hard copy list of expectations and due dates, and treat us as students the way we are learning that we are supposed to treat ours, with scaffolding and just a few directions at a time and all that? Sorry, frustrations make me write run-on sentences sometimes.

So, I digress. The point of writing this was that I think I’ve kind of realized something. I was okay with not being great in my classes, because the way I saw it, that only hurt myself. I could always go back and re-read/watch/listen to the lectures, re-read my notes and the handouts, ask for help from my classmates; but student teaching really mattered to me. And it still does. But it’s tough because I still always feel like I’m being compared to something. I don’t even know what. It’s not the other girls in my classes, because my FA doesn’t know most of them. It’s not the other two student teachers at my school, because… well, I don’t know, I just feel comfortable around them and their FAs and I think they all like us quite a bit. It’s a fun group. It’s not even my FA’s student teacher from last year, because I heard she was a train wreck… but in a way, there’s still some pressure there to beat her. She clearly got into the program for some reason, so I hesitate to think she’s a complete mess.

It’s starting to feel like the expectation for this program, and student teaching, and classes, and all that, is skewed. The way the normal world works, average is average for a reason. Don’t get me wrong, I went to a decent high school and a pretty good college. And my major wasn’t the hardest by any means, but it wasn’t the easiest either. I have some reeeeally smart friends. I am constantly in the company of brilliant, intellectual, socially competent people. So I’ve gotten over the “average” thing awhile ago, at least I thought. But when it comes to these classes and student teaching, it’s like the expectation– the “average”– is to be an overachiever. Come up with lesson ideas on your own. Create new ways to teach them. Implement new teaching techniques and practices into the classroom community. Badapadapadap. (That’s what we say in the classroom instead of “dot dot dot.” The students think it’s hilarious.) And I’m sorry, world of education, but I am a little too exhausted to go above and beyond so consistently. IT’S EXHAUSTING! I feel like I am constantly just scraping by, and it’s becoming increasingly embarrassing, not to mention ineffective. I know the point of being in the program is to learn– we wouldn’t be here if we already knew how to be excellent teachers, or just good teachers even. But I have no idea how I’m supposed to be able to handle this all! Am I missing something?…

I’ll shut up for now. Here’s to a cup of warm apple cider while I finish a big lesson plan that was due today, and hopefully a better week next week. Oh, and Eeyore, because… this. Boyfriend is the best 😉